I have never been much for fabricated celebrations or "special" days where I am to acknowledge some event or person. These things seem like such constructs, and while I certainly have enjoyed the time off for days like the 4th of July or New Years, I don't find myself motivated to buy cards, roses, or chocolates for something like Valentines Day. Instead, I celebrate my relationship with my wife Marian throughout the year, not just with occassional cards and letters but sharing my gratitude as often as I can.
But, today, I was thinking about how happy I am being in a relationship with a woman who, after over 20 years continues to be fresh and exciting. I thought about the shit we've been through this past year with changes in my health, our transition to a less opulent and more rational lifestyle, and the recognition that we're getting older. It occurred to me how fortunate I feel that this lovely and beautiful woman hasn't given up on me, and stands by me even when I'm wickedly moody, prickly and prickish. She always seems to be happy, or not far from it, and even in times when things seem a bit dark, she expresses a positivity that keeps the lights on.
I don't think it necessary to celebrate this Hallmark induced special date. I get it every day, and quite frankly I couldn't afford to buy her flowers every time I'm thankful, and doing so on one day in February seems a pathetic paucity. I can't do enough to express how it feels to have this kind of person in my life, certainly not on one day, let alone the other 364. There hasn't be a single day in my life with her that I've not been happy. Sure, she can be a pain the ass, but so what...it just passes so quickly and we're back to green. Being happy doesn't fall on one calendar day.
When I look back on all of these years with her, time seems to conflate into a single day called the past. It hasn't been slow, nor fast, just everyday, and everyday with her is good. We've been together for 22 years, we laugh more now than we did before, we hold each longer than we did just a few years ago. Our conversations are deeper, or sex longer and our time together more precious.
I don't celebrate these stupid days...I don't...really. I wouldn't mind, of course, telling her that I love her now more than I ever have, or that I can't wait to see her when she comes home this evening, or that we'll talk at the end of our day like we do every day, and I'll feel this same sense of gratitude for her being here. I don't celebrate Valentines day, but since I'm grateful every day...then I guess it's no exception. Who cares if it's Valentines day...it's just a day, an ordinary today, and I'm happy as hell, and how great is it that it's not exceptional, it's just what it is.
I love you.....
