My father once said, "You've got two ears and one mouth, play the odds." It's a classic quote and a good meme and one that I often forget.
In the wake of the horrific shooting in Tucson, I found myself on Facebook arguing with others who, like me, were upset by the events and the subsequent blame-go-round. While fingers were pointing and tempers were raging, many of us lost track and doubled down with our mouths, choosing to drown everyone else in a sea of words. This never amounts to much, and I don't know of anyone I was debating that change their mind a result of the deluge of words I poured over them.
Here it is, a few days later, and I don't recall much about the content of those conversations, just a few days after they had occurred. What I realized after the fact, was how much time I lost in an attempt to blast the opinion of others, how much energy I spent in righteous indignation.
Two ears, but too often, I think we tend to believe that talking is active, and listening is passive. But listening is an action step, and real listening requires endurance. Talking alone provides us with no new information, it is only through the combination of listening and inquiry that we can ever hope to expand or understand, not just of another, but ourselves as well. What did I learn from my time? I, I can't remember!
In my work as a consultant to business, one of the first things I like to investigate is how much time is spent in reflective listening? While most business have perfunctory meetings, few of those meetings yield truly useful information. More often than not, meetings are an opportunity for a few, to lecture to the many. Modern business spends more time analyzing and dissecting numbers and trends, and not nearly enough time in conversation and reflection.
The fix for this is simple and immediate. Though one might have to wrestle with the demons of distraction, if we want to increase our knowledge or expand our insights, we need to start tracking our listening or reflection time. It doesn't take much. If we spend just a few minutes each day in reflective silence, creative flow, or active listening, we give our mouth a break and our creativity a boost. I don't think it necessary to take on seated meditation or chanting mantras, instead just remind yourself to "play the odds" whenever you are hanging out with others. If you're in a debate, give that someone else a chance to finish a sentence before you start pile driving your next point.
Listening and attention are ours to give, and having someone know that we are truly interested in what they have to say will raise our value to them. We don't need to set down our opinions, or throttle back our passions, but rise to the occasion by lending balance through listening to someone else.
1.) Whenever you start a conversation, take note of the time of day, start thinking about "minding time" and how much you're paying attention.
2.) If you manage others, look for ways to make meetings more interactive and personal. Casual, non-constructive meetings are often more useful than long agendas and Powerpoints.
3.) Keep a journal. Log what you learned as you talked with a friend or colleague. The entries don't need to be long narratives, but tidbits and words.
4.) Spend 2 to 5 minutes each hour being silent and doing nothing at all. If you can't reach that goal each hour, try every four hours. If you can do 5 minutes at least four times a day, you'll have spend 5 complete days on paying attention in a calendar year. Call it a vacation.
This week, challenge yourself to play the odds, track what you heard and learned, and start cultivating your powers of personal attention one-step at a time.
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