The 5 Choices Of Connection

As my year comes to an end, I've been reflecting on the nature of friendship, connection, and how I care and cultivate relationships I value.  All too often business blogs, books and magazine articles are encouraging us to convert relationships and social interactions into strategic food to fatten our bottom lines. But human beings shouldn't be strategized, and social media's real value comes if we actually feel connected to something or someone on the other side, something social, something breathing.

I've learned the hard way that loyalty can be fleeting and that friendships which once seemed stable suddenly changed, and eventually trickled away.  It can be hard to navigate through times of change and trouble, particularly if our relationships are maintained primarily through texting, social websites or email. That is communication, not necessarily connected. Without context, body language, even the sense of smell and touch, our information is very limited. We can read nuance, or see into someones eyes. I'm quite guilty of having my aymgdala jacked by email or texts, misreading a situation, or dropping the ball with a client because I didn't read a note carefully. These mistakes and stumbles can be costly, and mostly they come about because we may not fully understand what "connection" really means and we haven't yet recognized we've cut ourselves out of true conversations. When I finally have a chance to see someones face my conversations usually turn from bite to bark, becoming more docile with each interaction.  Real people with real people yield to something more, well...real.

In the new book The Dragonfly Effect, Jennifer Aaker and Andy Smith create a compelling picture of how to use social media to drive social change, using the metaphor of a dragonfly. They call it the "Dragonfly Model", with each wing of the dragonfly a particular idea for creating greater connection.

Focus: Have concrete goals.

Grab Attention: Do something that cuts through the media muck.

Engage:  Create personal connection and empathy.

Take Action: Empowerment, let others know how to get involved.

It's a nice model and the book is a smart addition to the growing literature on using social media to build grass roots action. But what about people we actually have a personal connection to, that we physically interact with and have flesh and blood relationships with?  What about the multi-dimensional world of face-to-face connection? What are the tenants of physical connection, beyond these? How can avoid what Edward Tufte refers to as "flatland"?

In order for friendships or working relationships (Customers and co-workers) to thrive, something real must be at stake. We can't "delete" a physical friendship and while "unfriending" someone on Facebook can feel crappy, ultimately it's an act of shallow meaning and pedestrian utility.  Keystrokes can write a story, but they don't create real people or place, they merely describe them. We can feel a sense of connection to a story, a movie, a song or a peice of art, but it is only when we actually are with others, in their presence, that we engage all of our senses to deliver a rich, multi-dimensional experience of being with another person.

In writing about workplace engagement, imagination, street performing, art and design and service innovation, I've investigated the power of personal connection over scripted, processed, planned, linear programs. The business world wants answers before they're available, wants a plan before every action, a script for every phone call, and isn't usually so good (yet) with ambiguity. Real relationships thrive on these things; friendships aren't planned, love isn't linear or scripted, and ambiguity is a part of the human condition. How many times, for example, have we been on the phone with a call center knowing our conversation with the voice on the other end is being forced through script, a check list Q&A that eliminates any potential for improvisation or deviation and thus, there isn't a sense of any real connection to the person that voices is attached to.

As a result of my work, I've identified 5 simple practical ideas that have helped me, and some of my clients, understand the nature of connection. It's also helped me to understand the most important measurement any of us have of  when we feel connection, the experience of natural energy or organic enthusiasm.

I don't claim that these ideas are original or that I'm the first to identify them, indeed the book mentioned above covers a few of them. Instead, I place these ideas in the contrast between the scripted stage and the improvisational street performer or vendor, where the differences become obvious and self evident. It's the arrangement which is particular and important.

The 5 Choices Of Connection

1.)    Invite

2:)   Engage

3.)   Empathize

4.)   Improvise

5.)   Energize

In each of these we should attempt to seek the simplest form, to clear the path between ourselves and others. Simplicity is core, and one basic question we can continually ask ourselves is "What can I take out, take away or eliminate that is unnecessary clutter?" When we practice what I call "The Take Away", we are removing the junk we've gathered, clearing out the cache in our head and taking our stuff off life support.  The goal of these actions is to encourage and cultivate dynamic relationships and a high resolution transfer of meaning and value. In other words, YOU become more important to me than my strategy, my agenda, my stuff, my "feelings", cripts and whatever else I might put in between us.

In my new book "The Take Away" (Fall 2011) I explore these components and unfold ideas that I've discovered embedded in creative endeavors, successful friendships, vital marriages, and compelling companies and brands. In the new world, information is crashing like a tidal wave across our bow and we need to re-calibrate our sextants and redraw our maps to tack our craft back towards the home port of personal, real, human connection and creativity. I will be sharing bits and pieces, stories, activities and ideas in the days and weeks ahead.

This new year will, of course, contain great challenges as well as great opportunities, and I wish you the very best in all of your endeavors, and continued happiness and good health.

Comments

[Scotty Roberts]

1.) Invite - Let's get together for some drinks.

2.) Engage - I miss your face and want to know your thoughts on some things.

3.) Empathize - The busyness of Life does get in the way, doesn't it?

4.) Improvise - We can grab a bottle and commit some minor crimes and misdemeanors as we see their open doors.

5.) Energize - This'll be good for us! Life isn't getting any shorter, so let's do it!